.

Famously, one of the most esoteric titles to be offered (but not accepted) by a would-be “Mastermind” contestant was “Orthopaedic Bone Cement in Total Hip Replacement Surgery”.   Even that one, however, would be hard-pressed for total obscurity by  a title listed in the “Post Script” catalogue (Booksellers by post).   I swear to you that I have not invented the work of a certain Ian Allan –“Gradients of the British Main-line Railways”.  For all its Monty Python triviality of detail, this is a book that has indeed occupied the working life (to the exclusion of all else, by the sound of it) of a member of this community who might well have done better with that life by spending twenty-four hours of every day making dissolvable corn dollies out of toilet tissue.   

Here, by way of proof  for the unconvinced, its summary of contents :

“Diagrams showing the gradient profiles of British railway stations, originally published in 1966.   Organized into the “Big Four” railway companies, this new edition (!) represents the network as it was in 1947 “ (in case it was important for you to know upon consultation exactly which profile was in vogue at that particular moment of your travelling anxiety) “and contains details not in the original” (Wow!   Here’s a bonus.)  “such as the location of water-troughs, as well as a complete index of features marked on the profiles, including stations, tunnels, junctions and sidings.”  

As if the whole thing were not something of a siding on reality.   If, say, the line between Kingussie and Newtonmore, for example, had a sort of “sleeping policeman”  hump just before entering the station, you’d want to know about it, wouldn’t you, before the gradient caused you to spill your tea?

How on earth did Michael Portillo ever get by without this indispensable handbook for continued carefree travelling?    Makes his “Bradshaw” look about as helpful a guide for tourists in Eastern Turkey as the Noah’s Ark bits of Genesis.

L.A.H.

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